2005-12-12T17:41:00.000-08:00

New blog. Again.

Anyway, I have a lot of things in my mind right now, so this is gonna be a pretty long post.

Last month I applied at a call center that one of my high school friend's family is in partner with. I was a trainee for two weeks before undergoing a probationary period. I lasted another week, then I left.

Why? Because I felt that the job was unfulfilling.

I realized that I don't want a desktop type of job at this point of my life. I don't want to sit in front of a PC for eight hours like a machine for the sake of earning money. My officemates and superiors were kinda dissapointed at me, because they said that I had a lot of potential. Yeah sure, whatever they say. But I don't want to spend my potential at a lucrative job like that.

I left the company just last week. Good thing they still gave me some compensations. But I haven't told my mother about what I had done. I'm putting it off until Friday. I know that she will be displeased with me again. But I can't help it. I don't want to waste everybody's time (especially my own) by sticking to something I don't really want.

Yes, I would earn money but I'm not happy with what I'm doing. I felt like I was trapped like a wild beast in a cage, whose pride and freedom were lost, made to do tricks against my will.

I managed to get out of that cage. I found myself wandering, searching for what I wanted. But soon I realized that I was still bound to something: my heart and spirit were still shackled to the Past.

The same two weeks ago, I promised that I would stop smoking. I'm not really a heavy smoker, in fact I just started about three months ago. I smoked because, well, I wanted something to preoccupy my heart's and mind's thoughts. I did manage to stop smoking for a couple of weeks. But before I knew it, the Past suddenly caught up with me again.

I couldn't understand what happened. I thought I was already over with whatever problems I had. Then suddenly my heart was clamouring again, while my mind strove against it. I was in a momentary state of loss and bewilderment, then without realizing it, I was asking for a cigarrete.

The smoke calmed me down eventually. But until when? It is inevitable, someday nothing would be able to put off whatever emotions and hurts that are inside me from comnig out. That is what I fear the most. Someday I will be the wild beast that is trapped in a corner, with no other way out but to lash out at anything, or anyone, within reach.

A wild beast, that is what I feel that I'm turning into. I am mostly known to be a quiet and reserved person, but since my childhood I've felt a raging anger inside me. And it wants to burst out.

I've repressed myself for what seems like forever. But lately, sometimes I can't control my outbursts anymore. I hate my past. I want to forget and destroy it. Why did I have to become like this? What did people do to me? What did I do myself? What could they and myself have done so that things would be different today?

My life had always been revolving around other people. I do what they want me to do, I try to please them, I do my best to live up to their expectations. I found myself not following my dreams anymore. I lowered and humbled myself, just to satisfy those around me.

But I feel unappreciated and underestimated; somebody who can be taken advantage of. When I fall short of what people want from me, I am regarded as a failure. A mistake. A waste of time. This is what really angers me the most.

Don't get me wrong, I thank those people who believe in me. But there are also people who say things just to build-up others' minds and moods into what they want and then work it into something that they can benefit from.

I've been a wild beast that had been chained and being domesticated for too long.

I want to break free. To live without regrets. To prove that I can do things apart from what people expect me to do. To be what I really want to be.

I want to be...alive.

Like A Paper Plane In The Evening Sky